Fear and Fear LESS

“Don’t let fear stop you from getting off the starting block”

 

Lessons learnt from my two coaches today 

 

Many times we hold back from doing something because we fear failure 

– of not completing what we set out to do.

Of disappointing someone

Of disappointing ourselves 

 

It’s been nearly 4 weeks since I went for a run.

 

This morning as I set out and pulled up my app, I was dithering over which one I should do: 

Should I go back to basics and restart?

Should I start with a beginner run and ease back into the rhythm and build up?

I haven’t run in so long.

Surely I cannot jump back into where I left off.

There is no way I can do the longer runs that I was doing last month. 

And as I was internally debating this, I was simultaneously listening to my business coach 

talk about separating fact from thoughts and perceptions.

 

 

And I realized that although the fact was that I hadn’t run in 4 weeks, 

my thoughts that because of that I wouldn’t be able to run distance were just thoughts. 

How could they be a fact? I had not tried to run yet. 

These were just the thoughts in my head before I even started.

 

How I chose to interpret the fact of not having run for 4 weeks was up to me.

 

I could choose the thoughts that said I could not do a long run,

or I could choose the thoughts that said I could give it a try any way.

 

So I set myself up for a 5 K run on my app, 

the first time for this particular one.

 

Sometimes the universe knows what you need before you even know it.

 

The running coach on the App started with the premise of Fear and running Fear LESS. 

 

Of acknowledging the fear athletes have at the starting line 

Of the unknown 

Of not knowing if they will be able to complete the race

Of not knowing if they will be able to do it in the best time 

And of taking that first step any way 

 

 

He defined Fear from the dictionary definition:

Fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger

 

Notice that it is caused by ‘anticipation’ not actuality.

 

And even though I didn’t necessarily think I was fearful, when I thought about it further, yes, it was fear.

That I would get tired sooner than before

That I would have to give up.

 

And as I thought it through, I realized it was fear of disappointing myself.

 

More thoughts not based in reality.

 

What if I celebrated whatever distance or time I managed today and let go of that fear?

 

And so as I ran, I listened to both these coaches 

 

When at 16 minutes in and 2 K I was winded 

When I took walk breaks 

When I couldn’t complete the distance 

 

Right about the time the running coach was talking about 

how so many times the run we set out for turns into something else 

Goes in a different direction 

Ends up taking you somewhere new 

 

And how starting points are not just for races

 

But in life how many starting points we have every day 

 

When we leave for work 

When we start a project

When we take on a challenge 

When we are facing something new 

 

And to acknowledge the fear we feel

 

And still take that first step 

 

Of that project at work where you know you will be good at but you fear you don’t know enough and worry someone else would do it better

So you never volunteer

 

Of that situation where you know you should speak up but you fear embarrassing yourself and so you don’t

 

Of that position you know you would be great at but you fear you will have to sacrifice your family time, and so you don’t, without even finding out what the time commitment is.

 

I did not complete the entire 5K run today.

I took breaks

I stopped completely by 3.5 K in and walked

 

But I celebrated the fact that I did try something new

That I did not let my fear hold me back

That I took that first step.

And that I could separate out my facts from my perceptions and thoughts.

 

 

What has FEAR held you back from?

 

And has it been real or just your perception of a circumstance?

 

What if you could acknowledge the fear and still get off that starting block??

Lessons from a Spider

There are times when you have a dream but you don’t act on it because it seems too big and out of reach.

Fear holds you back – Fear of failure, fear of embarrassment, fear of “what will people think”

Or sometimes you start working towards your goal or your dream, taking all the steps and still that final result is just out of your reach. 

And you wonder if it is worth it and you falter and stop.

.

This morning, as I took a few minutes to stand and reflect in my garden, in the stillness of early morning, this beautiful half-done spider web caught my eye. 

Within it, the tiny ? toiled industriously.

The two trees this web was being built to span were about 3 feet apart. That’s about 850x this spider’s size. 

It probably would take this spider several hours or even the entire day to spin this web, never knowing when rain or wind or a human hand would knock it out. 

And it would have to start all over again. 

As humans, when faced with such a task, not knowing if or when we would reach our goal, our dream, our thoughts would crowd in, and eventually, unless we learn how to work through them, hold us back from even trying.

And that would be the end of that – of that dream, that goal, that spider’s web.

My lesson from this spider this morning:

I have a dream, what is holding me back from working towards it?

Pre-Coaching me:

My first thought would be “Is it worth it?”

Second thought: I won’t succeed so I might as well not try. 

Third Thought: What if I fail?

Fourth Thought: What will people think?

Action: I do nothing 

Result: loss of my dream

The New Post-Coaching me:

What are the thoughts standing in my way?

The thought that I would fail.

What if I worked through that thought and reframed it to: 

I could fail but what if I learned all the skills to make it happen. My web might break on this tree but I can try a different spot.

Then if I failed, it wouldn’t be a failure, because I would have learned something from it.

Action: I take the first steps towards my dream

Result: I either achieve that dream or the skills I learnt steer me towards a new dream. 

The spider does not stop to think she is going to fail before she makes that first anchoring span between the two trees. 

Nor when the wind tears it down. 

No matter the obstacles, the spider will continue. 

And if that web keeps getting ripped apart, she will find another spot and start all over again. 

Be like the spider. 

P.S. What is one goal or dream you have?

What thoughts are holding you back from reaching for it?

Drop me an email to share

“I need to learn to negotiate better” and where it lead me in my career.

“That’s so unfair” 

“How does my coworker have better benefits even though I’ve worked longer?”

“I need to learn to negotiate better” “I’m not good at negotiating”

All these thoughts were running through my head as I lay sleepless at night. 

One part of me wanted to shoot off an email to my boss asking for a meeting right then. And then I started running through scenarios in my head. “What would I say? How would he respond? How could I respond to that? How could I effectively ask for what I felt I deserved?” 

Anyone feel this way? 🙋🏻‍♀️

I’ve had these or similar thoughts several times over the period of my career. 

And so I did what we’ve been taught to do when we don’t know something. We try to learn.

I took course after course and workshop after workshop in leadership skills, in negotiation skills, in ‘speaking up for myself’ skills ….and at the end of it, I still had not significantly negotiated any of my job contracts.

I kept waiting for my bosses to recognize the work I was doing and reward me. I went above and beyond to deliver more and work harder, and yet, apart from a few words of appreciation from nursing colleagues, there was no other overt sign that I was doing anything different.

BUT something happened the last time I felt this way.

I decided to seek help.

I’d heard glowing reports from several of my colleagues who had been coached and were raving fans of coaching to up their career game.

Until then, I had equated coaching with therapy and had no intention of heading down that path. 

But when several colleagues reported life changing results in their career, I thought to take another look. 

And found out what Coaching was.

And as we tend to do, we believe recommendations from our peers over what we read online and so I signed up for a Coaching session. 

The first inkling I had that this would be different from anything I’d ever done before was the questionnaire my coach sent me before our first session.

It had me dig deep into things I had not thought about in years. Things about my work, my life, about what I was happy about, what I wasn’t ….

What happened in that session and the ones that followed, completely caused a sea change in me.

So much so that, after a few sessions, I recognized that so many of my peers would benefit from this. And I decided to train as a coach myself. 

Did I learn the exact language to negotiate my next raise or my next ‘ask’ at work?

No.

What I learnt instead is to look at why I felt the way I did, and I learned to look deeper and I learnt that more money was not what I was looking for. 

And I learnt to start looking at where I wanted to go in my career, what was important to me (not necessarily a promotion to a higher position or more money) and how I could get there. 

I learnt to ask myself hard questions:
What did I want? Was it more money? Was it time? Why did I feel things were unfair? 

And I learnt to dig deep.

And I learnt to wait for the answers. 

And I found myself in a more contented frame of mind, going from stressed and unhappy, back to enjoying what I do.

And did I have that meeting that I was so desperate for in the beginning, that I had mentally rehearsed so many times for? 
Not yet. Because what I want now and what I THOUGHT I wanted then are different. And I’m content with things the way they are right now.

I am in the beginning of this new and exciting journey helping myself and helping others like me and loving every moment. 

What are you looking to change  in your career?

Who is a Leader? And 5 Reasons Why every woman physician should aspire to be one

Who is a Leader?

Is it someone with a title or a position, like Professor, or Chief or Head of Department or Committee chair?

For me, not necessarily. Although all those indicate Titular leaders, in my opinion, leaders are not just those with titles.

This quote from John Quincy Adams is what Leadership means to me:

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.”

If you are willing to step up to do what is necessary to make things better for everyone around you, you are a leader.

So many women physicians do that unconsciously, every day, and yet, we believe we are not leaders unless there is a title attached to our name. 

Don’t get me wrong, we can make a huge difference when we do have a title. And yet, even if we don’t, we have the skills within us to be great leaders. It is a matter of recognizing and honing these skills.

So why should we hone our skills if we are not a titular leader?

Research shows over and over that companies and hospitals do a lot better when there are women in leadership. We bring a different voice and perspective and different strengths and therefore, a different way to problem-solve.

So essentially, we owe it to ourselves, our peers, our departments and our patients, to develop our leadership skills.

Here are 5 reasons why women physicians should aspire to be leaders:

  1. “Be the change you wish to see in the world“ Mahatma Gandhi

This is the number one reason you should want to be a leader. To effect change. No hospital or work place  is perfect and all of us know the problems that exist in our individual work places. The only way you can effect change is to be proactive and lead the effort to change.

2. “Every organization I know of needs women in leadership positions. If you want the best for the specialty, you need to draw from everyone in that specialty; you can’t just draw from a narrow slice. Diversity at the top makes an organization stronger, flexible, and more resilient.” Gail L. Rosseau, MD

3.” Women leaders: Are more inclusive of team members; work to strengthen different personalities; foster innovation through collaboration.” Zuleyka Zevallos, PhD

Women have different strengths than men. We tend to have more of a team-based approach. We are better at ‘soft skills’ or ‘Emotional Intelligence”. What a waste to an organization if it doesn’t have it’s equal share of women leaders!

4. “Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much” Helen Keller

Women physicians need other women physician mentors. We need inspiration from other women who have made it in this difficult journey.

5.”Never be afraid to take the lead if in your heart you know you have something to contribute and the skills to move others forward with you.” – Donna Parker, MD

So now that we know WHY, you may wonder HOW?

Learning from each other is a great way that has helped me. 

Through this blog and podcast, I will be sharing my leadership struggles and triumphs, as well as those of many women physician leaders.

 

 

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